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Advice from Rachel Greenwald
Why didn’t he ask you out for a second date?
The top date-breaker men reported came down to one thing: dominant behavior. Many men basically said the date failed because they’d rather hire her than date her. They may respect her intelligence and admire her capabilities, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re attracted to her. They weren’t saying they wanted someone simple, needy, or uncomplicated, but they didn’t want to feel tense, belittled, or neglected in their personal relationships.
The term “boss” here reflects men’s attitudes that certain women seem argumentative, competitive, controlling, not feminine, too independent, not nurturing, or some combination of the above. In other words, some women give off a “masculine” vibe. Of course, women don’t use the same terminology to describe this behavior. Instead, women might rightfully identify themselves as persuasive, capable, street- smart, organized, modern, confident, or forthright. You say “potato”; he says “potahto.”
This is a tough spot for contemporary women, particularly those who have successful careers. It has roots in behavioral science: in the end, men and women are all a lot like Pavlov’s dog. We behave according to the ways we’re rewarded. If Pavlov’s dog learned that he got a doggie treat every time he barked, then he’d eventually start barking a lot. In the workplace, women (like men) are rewarded with promotions, bonuses, praise, and respect for taking charge and being capable. As women have risen up the corporate ladder, they have adopted many traditionally male characteristics to succeed, whether they work in finance, law, retail sales, or party planning. It’s not easy to just switch off this alpha personality after you leave the office. But that comes at a cost.
One man told me that most women he meets today would prefer he “admire their accomplishments rather than their butts.” Welcome to Dating 101. If you’d take professional respect over lust, you might have just lost that second date. I call these Boss Ladies part of “The Cinderella Generation”: they broke the glass ceiling but broke their glass slipper along with it. Of course it’s unfair. Luckily I don’t believe your only choice is between a big promotion and a date with a guy you’re crazy about. Landing both can be as simple as gaining awareness of the issues and making a few easy adjustments.
While it’s hard to transition from taking charge, focusing on the bottom line, and organizing schedules, it’s imperative to grasp that men say the “image” of the woman they want at 8:00 PM isn’t the same image of the woman they want at 8:00 AM. He’s not buying red roses for his fabulous female colleague with whom he works side by side during the day— the one with whom he debates a client strategy and who he thinks would do a damn good job running the company. He says he’s not intimidated by her (though perhaps he is). He really does respect her. Many men just don’t picture coming home to her (or, more precisely, the stereo type of her) after a long day. In fact, as far as professions go, 44 percent of the men I polled in a separate online survey responded that their first- choice profession for a woman they’d like to marry is “schoolteacher.” And this poll was conducted in 2008, not 1950!
Throughout my interviews, most men clearly told me they wanted an intelligent, accomplished woman with whom they could share stimulating conversation. It wasn’t really her job title that tipped the scale as they debated calling her back, but whether or not she seemed to have a soft demeanor— as far as they could tell during a one- or two-hour first date. This time frame is crucial because ultimately the issue is not what you are or aren’t at your core, but rather that trivial comments or actions are screening you out before he can really get to know and appreciate you.
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Excerpted from Have Him at Hello by Rachel Greenwald Copyright © 2009, 2010 by Rachel Greenwald. Excerpted by permission of Three Rivers Press, a division of Random House, Inc. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher. |
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